READY: prepared mentally or physically for some experience or action; prepared for immediate use; willingly disposed; inclined; likely to do something indicated, displayed readily and spontaneously.
No this is not the start of a 3 paragraph high school theme paper. The word "ready" is important for a few reasons. First, every time I tell someone about my plans for surgery, inevitably the 2 questions they ask are, "Are you nervous?" and "Are you ready?" My answers never change. No, I'm not nervous and yes, I'm ready. But the more important reason the word "ready" matters is because this past week, I finally understood what it meant to be ready for this surgery and for the change that will come from it.
After a successful visit to the cardiologist this week, I found out that my heart murmur, while noticeable, is very mild and no cause for concern. There is no reason to treat it at this point and my only limitation is that I see a cardiologist every year to make sure it doesn't get any worse. So that means, I have received clearance from all 3 of the consults I needed. My file is now complete and ready to be sent to the insurance for approval when the time comes.
Even that is not really being ready for all of this. That happened sometime between last Tuesday and last Friday. I don't know exactly when it hit me (isn't that the case with most revelations?) but I know for sure the readiness was there last Friday, Feb 19. I know this because I willingly walked into a local fitness place and joined. And then I had some other errands to run, but when I was done. I went home and changed and went BACK to the gym and worked out for almost 45 minutes. If you know me at all, the sheer fact that I was willing to do this is a shock. And you will be even more shocked to know that I went back on Sunday, Monday, and again tonight. The gym thing could be scary. I'm so overweight and there is a temptation to let my mind wander into how the other people at the gym could be judging me. And I'm not really able at this point to run on a treadmill for an extended period of time or spend more than about 15 minutes on a bike or cross trainer. Those things could scare me, but I'm handling all just fine, taking it all at my own pace. (PS- Just in those first 4 days of cardio, I've dropped 4 pounds).
The true feeling of ready is an acceptance of the fact that I've made mistakes in the past regarding food, exercise, and my weight. And its not about making myself feel guilty for those mistakes, its about starting to make the right choices NOW. I can't change the decision I made last month not to take advantage of some gyms beginning of the year deals. And I can't change the 25 pounds I let myself gain after last spring's bad break up. What I can do is challenge myself to eat healthier today and plan for tomorrow so those choices are easier. And I can will myself to go to the gym and figure out how to work the ellipticals, the weight equipment, and that weird stair-mill thing.
So while you may not feel it or see it, I am already a changed woman. I can feel it way down in my core (which happens to be killing me after a particularly grueling yoga class this evening). And I can not WAIT to get this surgery scheduled and to have the procedure to make this process go smoother. So if you see me, go ahead and ask me. My answer now more than ever is, "Yes, I am READY!"
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment