March rolls on by. . .

March has come and gone. Nothing major has changed with this surgical process, just a bunch of WAITING that is driving me CRAZY!! (good thing I've already had my psych consult huh?) Only a few minor details are still left to iron out.

I got all of the bills from my consults. The ensuing arguments about insurance co-pays and what is covered and what goes towards my deductible has been exhausting. And the fact that I changed insurance carriers halfway through this process didn't make things any easier for me either. But, all's well that ends well right? As of March 25, I was completely settled with my consults and the surgeons office for my first visits. It doesn't sound like much, but I'm really glad that its all over with.

I've been continuing to work out at the gym on a fairly regular basis. I try for every other day, taking Fridays and Saturdays off. That's 3 days a week, concentrating on at least 25 minutes of cardio with my heart rate over 165 bpm (yes I know its crazy, but its just how it is for now) and another 25 minutes or so on the weight machines. The weather has also gotten nice, so I've also been trying to walk on my off days at the park or forest preserve that are near my house.

I've also began eliminating things from my diet and habits that I can't have around the time of or after surgery. I started by giving up caffeine, which I can't have for a few weeks before surgery and several months after. I will admit it was difficult, especially the first week. I was seriously wishing there was a group meeting that I could attend called Starbucks Anonymous. But I have done really really well with the no caffeine rule, I've cheated only twice in the last 8 weeks (which anyone who has ever dieted before knows is pretty decent. And I still claim having to be at church before 7am on a Sunday morning deserves a little jolt first). Included in that no caf thing is chocolate. I understand there is minimal caffeine in chocolate, but I'm doing my best to stay away from it, too. The next thing I gave up was alcohol. I have problems talking about giving up the booze, because it makes me sound like an alcoholic, which I am NOT. But I LIKE martinis and wine, and every now and then a cold Blue Moon. But I did give it all up about 3 weeks ago and its been going fine. Its just hard to watch the other people around you enjoying things you KNOW taste good. (But I get the feeling that might be a recurring theme in my future, so I guess it good to practice now)

I will admit the hardest part of this whole process has been telling people. I don't think the fear that I have of telling people goes any farther than openly admitting to having a problem that I can't handle on my own. But the fear is still there and the last 6 weeks or so, I've started to tell some people and each time I tell someone it seems to get easier and easier. I feel pretty good that basically all of my family and all of my friends know. (And it makes life smoother when people aren't thinking I'm pregnant when I pass on the cocktails-which someone did ask me). The strange part of telling people are the few random people that tell me "I know someone that had that done and it didn't go well for them." I would like to ask these people (but didn't because I'm apparently too polite) what the hell they're thinking? If someone says to you, "Hey I bought new car,' you don't say, 'I know someone who almost died in car accident a few years ago.'

Anyway, (I'm gonna move on from that because I could really call some people out on that one. Like my boss) this week on Thursday I have my April weigh in. As you probably remember, I have to lose 6 pounds over a 3 month period. When I weighed in at the beginning of March, I was down about 6 pounds, so all I had to do was maintain it for another month, as of this morning, I'm unofficially down 12.5 lbs, so as long as I can stay where I'm at, I will be a happy camper :)

If all goes according to plan, my full insurance application will be sent out at the end of the week. I'm told it usually takes the insurance company about 3 weeks to respond (but lets be more realistic and say a month?). After the insurance approval goes through, the surgeons office is scheduling surgeries about 3 weeks out. So I'm still shooting for mid-May for surgery, but only time will tell (but seriously, I think all this waiting is going to KILL me soon!).

An Open Letter to some Women at My Gym

Dear Ladies,

There are 3 of you I'd like to address, but I'd like to speak to each of you individually.

I'd like to start with Jen, the instructor of my yoga class last week. First of all, let me start by thanking you for letting a novice like me into your class. It was quite clear about about the first 5 minutes that I have ZERO experience and my classmates have a lot. I appreciate you not kicking me out for that alone. Now, I'd also like to say I think you're crazy. Please don't take it personally if I can only make your classes every other week or so. Or until my "core muscles" stop revolting and allow me back in the studio, because even 5 days later, they're still pretty pissed.

Secondly, I'd like to address the woman who worked out next to me this past Saturday. You were on a cross trainer. I would mostly like to remind you that we belong to a GYM. People go there to work out, which includes sweating and generally looking gross during and after this process. I don't really share your obsessive need to use Clorox Wipes on the machine before you get on it and I think you should at the very least consider that the fumes from that bleach based product are a little overwhelming to your neighbors that have already been working out. Secondly, there is no reason at all to get out a mirror mid-workout to check your hair. If you still look good, I'd like to venture that you're probably not exactly working out. You're just walking without actually getting anywhere. Finally, I would like to comment on your reading material during your workout. I am all for reading whatever you want, but I have to wonder how much knowledge you could possibly be gaining from David McCullough's John Adams while on a cross trainer. I really wanted to ask you this question and almost did, but it was at that point you put on earbuds, but kept the book out. So I ask you now, was it a book on tape and you were just following along? There are so many questions I have for you and I truly hope to see you in the gym again soon. I'll bring a hairbrush just in case your hair gets messed up (you can disinfect it if you want).

Lastly, I would like to address the machine stalker lady. You know who you are. I've seen you machine stalking twice. This past Saturday, I was working out on a crossramp and you asked me how long I would be. I know I'm new to the gym but is this acceptable behavior??? I don't know, but I surely did NOT like being asked that question. So I told you the truth, "I don't know how much longer. Maybe 10-15 minutes." (I knew this was probably a lie. I had already been on it about 9 minutes and adding another 15 would mean that I was on the machine for almost 25 minutes which I didn't think I could do. Last time, I was on that machine for 15 minutes and I was pretty sure I was going to die when I got off it). At this point you should have WALKED AWAY and come back later. And why didn't you ask the guy next to me how long he'd be? He was on the exact same machine as me! But did you walk away? No you didn't. You sat on the floor next to the machine and started stretching. And you hovered for almost 20 minutes. Creeper. At least you got the hint and finally walked away. But really, despite this odd behavior, I would like to thank you. What you don't know about me is I'm extremely stubborn. And its thanks to your crazy behavior, I stayed on that machine for 45 minutes. I have never been more proud of myself and my stubborn attitude. Like the OCD lady, I really do hope I see you again. And I hope you help me work on that crossramp for an hour.

Happy working out to all 3 of you girls!

-Abby

Later this week, I have my 2nd month weigh in at the surgeon's office!

Webster's Dictionary defines the word "ready" as. . .

READY: prepared mentally or physically for some experience or action; prepared for immediate use; willingly disposed; inclined; likely to do something indicated, displayed readily and spontaneously.

No this is not the start of a 3 paragraph high school theme paper. The word "ready" is important for a few reasons. First, every time I tell someone about my plans for surgery, inevitably the 2 questions they ask are, "Are you nervous?" and "Are you ready?" My answers never change. No, I'm not nervous and yes, I'm ready. But the more important reason the word "ready" matters is because this past week, I finally understood what it meant to be ready for this surgery and for the change that will come from it.

After a successful visit to the cardiologist this week, I found out that my heart murmur, while noticeable, is very mild and no cause for concern. There is no reason to treat it at this point and my only limitation is that I see a cardiologist every year to make sure it doesn't get any worse. So that means, I have received clearance from all 3 of the consults I needed. My file is now complete and ready to be sent to the insurance for approval when the time comes.

Even that is not really being ready for all of this. That happened sometime between last Tuesday and last Friday. I don't know exactly when it hit me (isn't that the case with most revelations?) but I know for sure the readiness was there last Friday, Feb 19. I know this because I willingly walked into a local fitness place and joined. And then I had some other errands to run, but when I was done. I went home and changed and went BACK to the gym and worked out for almost 45 minutes. If you know me at all, the sheer fact that I was willing to do this is a shock. And you will be even more shocked to know that I went back on Sunday, Monday, and again tonight. The gym thing could be scary. I'm so overweight and there is a temptation to let my mind wander into how the other people at the gym could be judging me. And I'm not really able at this point to run on a treadmill for an extended period of time or spend more than about 15 minutes on a bike or cross trainer. Those things could scare me, but I'm handling all just fine, taking it all at my own pace. (PS- Just in those first 4 days of cardio, I've dropped 4 pounds).

The true feeling of ready is an acceptance of the fact that I've made mistakes in the past regarding food, exercise, and my weight. And its not about making myself feel guilty for those mistakes, its about starting to make the right choices NOW. I can't change the decision I made last month not to take advantage of some gyms beginning of the year deals. And I can't change the 25 pounds I let myself gain after last spring's bad break up. What I can do is challenge myself to eat healthier today and plan for tomorrow so those choices are easier. And I can will myself to go to the gym and figure out how to work the ellipticals, the weight equipment, and that weird stair-mill thing.

So while you may not feel it or see it, I am already a changed woman. I can feel it way down in my core (which happens to be killing me after a particularly grueling yoga class this evening). And I can not WAIT to get this surgery scheduled and to have the procedure to make this process go smoother. So if you see me, go ahead and ask me. My answer now more than ever is, "Yes, I am READY!"